Sunday, May 9, 2010

Fat... Fraud... Failure

I have been thinking about this post for over a week. Not because I didn’t know what to say, but because I didn’t want to admit to these faults in my life. Look another ‘f’ word. However, I want to make real changes in my life and to do that I have to let go of the things that are blocking me. These ‘f’ words are blocking me. My hope is that by admitting to them, recognizing them, and defining them that I will be able to be rid of them.

FAT: No one likes that word, unless of course you are talking of cute little babies. As adults we avoid the label like the plague. I am curvy, chunky, overweight, big, etc… all euphemisms to replace FAT. But the truth of the matter is painful, but simple. I AM FAT. That is hard to admit and harder to admit to the world. It is the truth. I usually justify that statement with comparisons to not being obese, but I can’t keep doing that. I have to accept this part of my life, especially since it is what I want to change. I don’t want to be fat, I want to change that vowel and become FIT. To become fit, I have to change some habits, which leads me to FRAUD.

FRAUD: I often feel like a fraud when it comes to my weight loss attempts. I know about exercise and healthy eating. I am able to talk about those things. And I do. Then I look at myself, or put on my clothes and know that I am not actually doing the things I talk about. I feel like a fraud. How can I talk about being healthy when I am not? I usually end up over eating of stopping the exercise, etc.. Which leads me to FAILURE

FAILURE: I am a failure when it comes to weight loss. I feel like I am not being true to myself when I talk about exercise and healthy eating I feel like others think I have been doing these things forever. Yet, one look at me confirms that I have not. Then I start to justify my statements with… “I just started” “I know I should” “I am trying” But these are not action statements, and little by little they are affecting me negatively. In truth, they allow me an out, a way to fail. And I do. More times than I care to count, I have failed at weight loss and becoming fit. It always looks innocent, but in truth I have let myself use these statements to fail.

This is my cycle, we all have one that traps us, keeps us stuck in old habits. I have now named my cycle and intend to use this knowledge to change it.

FAT: I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want to be thin either. I don’t really care about charts and what ‘experts’ say I should weigh. I have to lose weight; I accept that. I have a goal of 14 pounds by July. After that, well time will tell.

FRAUD: I am not a fraud just because I sustained myself on unhealthy food until know. I am not a fraud because I want to start eating salad and more fruit. I AM NOT A FRAUD. I am making changes to my life; the future is what counts. Who I was and what I did in the past will not weigh in how I perceive myself as I move forward.

FAILURE: Not an option. I truly believe that my misstep is always at fraud. That feeling is what leads to my failure. I will change that feeling; I will break this cycle smack dab in the middle. If I don’t feel like I am a fraud, then I cannot fail.

Will it be easy? No. I admit to hating exercise and loving carbs. But I am going to make these changes in my life. It isn’t about size, but being healthy. I really want to be healthy. Come back for more thoughts as the journey continues.


Jeanne said...

go girl!!!!!

Donna said...

we are here to support you candice...110%

We believe in YOU!

Sandi said...

I am behind you all the way - I know you can do this - sounds like you're taking the right first steps...

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