Sunday, June 6, 2010


I need more inspiration, motivation, etc... in my life. I need positive thoughts, positive people, a positive outlook. I need to grow, but I am not sure how, or in what area. Help???

I was looking at the Self-Help section in the book store. I didn't even know where to begin. I am a pretty happy person. I have self doubt, but it doesn't cripple me. I think some reading would do me good. I just have no idea where to begin.

What does that say about me?

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


I have been doing well with my diet and exercise. I am still tracking my calories. I am staying within my calorie range. In fact I did a little research about basal metabolic rates and upped my daily maximum. Monday was a great weigh in morning. I made my first goal. Happy Dance time!!

Today I am up a pound! How is that even possible. I stayed within my range, I exercised; grrrrrrrr

I know there are all sorts of explanations, but right now they don't mean anything to me. All I see is that I am doing the right stuff and seeing negative results. This is the point at which I normally throw in the towel. I want to quit right now. What difference does it make? And all that.

But I won't, at least I hope I won't. Forget hope, I WILL NOT quit! I am going to keep on keeping on as they say. Still counting calories, still exercising, and still being positive. It certainly isn't easy.

I don't need advise, I really don't. That would just frustrate me even more. (gotta be honest here) I just need someone to listen and encourage. Thanks

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Our Struggle Are Ours

I have been thinking about struggles lately. We all have something in our lives that we struggle with; each one our own.

Recently a Facebook friend commented about having shoulder surgery and going through PT. The PT was painful. She posted that she saw a report about someone who was paralyzed and therefore was not going to complain about her PT pain anymore. Her comments made me think and analyze and question perceptions.

We are taught from an early day to be appreciative for all the things we have. We are taught to look around us and see how lucky we are, that there are people going through something worse than us. But what does that teach us ultimately?

It teaches us to minimize our own struggles:
If I have a stomach ulcer, it isn't stomach cancer.
If I have a sore joint, at least I can walk.
If I have migraine headaches, at least it isn't Alzheimer's.
If a break my leg and have painful PT, at least I can walk.

I am sure I could make more comparisons, but you see my point. We are taught to consider ourselves lucky. But what about our pain, our struggle?

It is real. It is intense. We should be allowed to complain or discuss our struggles. I think that by burying our struggles and comparing ourselves to others, we do ourselves a disservice. Whatever I am gong through is going to be tough for me, it is a struggle.

Everyone should be allowed to complain about what they are going through. If PT hurts, I am in pain. It doesn't matter how many people I know who can't walk, my pain is still real. If I get severe headaches, that pain is real no matter who I know with Alzheimer's. And so on.

I don't mean to let yourself become mired in what is happening. There has to be limits to the suffering/complaining. There is a time to remember all the good in your life, a time to remember how lucky you are. And knowing others are dealing with more can be good for you.

Ultimately, I am giving myself to talk about my struggles. There are things in my life that are tough, and I need to be able to discuss them. I need to feel it is okay to hurt, to feel like my struggles are extreme, that my life is my life and the good and bad are mine to deal with. If I need help, it doesn't matter if my problem seems 'small' to others, they are mine.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010



There, I said it. I admit it. I don't see that changing. I have been working out on the elliptical machine regularly for 3 weeks now. I am waiting for my 'runner's high', but it seems to have run past me. I get hot, sweaty, clammy, out of breath, and did I mention hot. I hate those feelings. I do not feel better when I am done. I do not crave exercise on the days I take off. I have never felt anything positive toward exercise.

You always hear people talking about how they love to exercise. They want to exercise. They feel like something is missing when they do not exercise. They get a euphoric feeling while running, etc... Whatever!

While I believe that is true for some people, I think a lot of people are lying. And they do not want to admit they don't like to exercise. After all, why would you do something on a regular basis that you didn't like. But I am not afraid to admit it. I do not think it will make me stop, any more than the 153 other excuses I can come up with to skip a work out. I need to be realistic about this aspect of my life. It is something I have to do. Period, end of story.

I know it is the only way to become and continue to be healthy. My knee hurts and weighing less will take some stress off the knee. By strengthening the muscles in the led, I will help the knee. I have come to like yoga, at least the short routines I have been doing. My goal is to do the yoga on a daily basis.

The elliptical and I are a different story. It sits behind my desk, taunting me, staring at me, waiting for me. I am currently doing a 20 minute work out; with 10 of those at an intensity that really increases my heart rate. No euphoria there, just some heavy breathing. My goal for it is 3 days of working out, then 1 day of rest.

There you have it. I do not like to exercise. I will continue to exercise. One day I may not dread it so much. Will I ever love to exercise? NO!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Fat... Fraud... Failure

I have been thinking about this post for over a week. Not because I didn’t know what to say, but because I didn’t want to admit to these faults in my life. Look another ‘f’ word. However, I want to make real changes in my life and to do that I have to let go of the things that are blocking me. These ‘f’ words are blocking me. My hope is that by admitting to them, recognizing them, and defining them that I will be able to be rid of them.

FAT: No one likes that word, unless of course you are talking of cute little babies. As adults we avoid the label like the plague. I am curvy, chunky, overweight, big, etc… all euphemisms to replace FAT. But the truth of the matter is painful, but simple. I AM FAT. That is hard to admit and harder to admit to the world. It is the truth. I usually justify that statement with comparisons to not being obese, but I can’t keep doing that. I have to accept this part of my life, especially since it is what I want to change. I don’t want to be fat, I want to change that vowel and become FIT. To become fit, I have to change some habits, which leads me to FRAUD.

FRAUD: I often feel like a fraud when it comes to my weight loss attempts. I know about exercise and healthy eating. I am able to talk about those things. And I do. Then I look at myself, or put on my clothes and know that I am not actually doing the things I talk about. I feel like a fraud. How can I talk about being healthy when I am not? I usually end up over eating of stopping the exercise, etc.. Which leads me to FAILURE

FAILURE: I am a failure when it comes to weight loss. I feel like I am not being true to myself when I talk about exercise and healthy eating I feel like others think I have been doing these things forever. Yet, one look at me confirms that I have not. Then I start to justify my statements with… “I just started” “I know I should” “I am trying” But these are not action statements, and little by little they are affecting me negatively. In truth, they allow me an out, a way to fail. And I do. More times than I care to count, I have failed at weight loss and becoming fit. It always looks innocent, but in truth I have let myself use these statements to fail.

This is my cycle, we all have one that traps us, keeps us stuck in old habits. I have now named my cycle and intend to use this knowledge to change it.

FAT: I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want to be thin either. I don’t really care about charts and what ‘experts’ say I should weigh. I have to lose weight; I accept that. I have a goal of 14 pounds by July. After that, well time will tell.

FRAUD: I am not a fraud just because I sustained myself on unhealthy food until know. I am not a fraud because I want to start eating salad and more fruit. I AM NOT A FRAUD. I am making changes to my life; the future is what counts. Who I was and what I did in the past will not weigh in how I perceive myself as I move forward.

FAILURE: Not an option. I truly believe that my misstep is always at fraud. That feeling is what leads to my failure. I will change that feeling; I will break this cycle smack dab in the middle. If I don’t feel like I am a fraud, then I cannot fail.

Will it be easy? No. I admit to hating exercise and loving carbs. But I am going to make these changes in my life. It isn’t about size, but being healthy. I really want to be healthy. Come back for more thoughts as the journey continues.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

The Wedding 2010

February is Over!

How in the world did that happen?? It has been a bad month for me. I finally succumbed to the cold that has been going around this winter, lost my voice, and generally felt icky forever. It has been cold here in south Florida, not typical around these parts. Many nights with lows in the 30's. I am ready to be warm again and wear my flip flops daily.

Exercise has been nonexistent this month. Blogging, oops, didn't do so well with that either.

There were some bright spots. Michael & I had a double date with our good friends for valentine's day. We went to a very good steak restaurant. I went to NC last weekend to take photos of my friend's wedding. It was lots of fun. I have been editing all week long, and finally finished last night. I am happy overall, there are a few I love, a few I wish I could reshoot, and most are okay. I think she will be happy, and that is what counts. I will share some on here later.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Home Again!

Amelia & I went away for the weekend. Where you ask??? Disney of course. lol We went with the Snyder family.

We drove up Saturday and headed for the Magic Kingdom. The weather was overcast, but cool. We rode Small World, Space Mountain, & Buzz Lightyear. Kristyn had an appointment at the BBB to become a princess, so we browsed the stores and hit the bakery.

The weather threatened rain all day, it finally arrived around 3:00. Just in time for us to head to the hotel and check in.

We went back to the Magic Kingdom around 6:00. Amelia really wanted to ride the cars at the Speedway, so that was our first stop. Then a twirl on the carousel. After, we got the little one to go on Haunted Mansion. Kristyn had fun, she is the 'rider' of that family.

After a quick dinner it was to the magic carpets for Katie. I suggested an evening Jungle Cruise, and we made the last boat. Our 'tour' guide was very funny, and it was neat to see it at night.

Today was a trip to Animal Kingdom. The weather was supposed to be cool, which is fine for this rainforest of a park. A temperature of 49° is not cool in my book, and it didn't get above until after 12:00. We rode the safari and took the kids to the petting zoo. Then we made our way to Expedition Everest.

I rode it twice... yippee!!! However, it was ***(&*()& cold on that ride. Amelia passed because of the temperatures.

Speaking of Amelia, she felt flip flops would be all the shoes she needed for the weekend. She had been told it would be cool today. So our first stop at Animal Kingdom was the gift shop for some socks! I told Wendy, "it wouldn't be a trip to Disney if we didn't buy clothes."

After Everest, we decided to come home. We stopped at Five Guys on Osceola Pkwy for lunch and then came home.

It was a great weekend, lots of fun, and lots of laughs. I can't wait for the next trip to Disney. Who is coming with me????

We stopped at Five Guys for lunch on the way

Thursday, January 21, 2010

How to be a friend

This is not a meant to get people to say "I am your friend." Just some observations about myself.

Someone tell me the secret to this. I am 39 years old and I am still lost. Really. I have friends, I know that. Don't get me wrong. I just don't know how to 'be a friend'. I have one that I talk to on a regular basis, I call her, we spend time together, share meals, etc... everyone else seems distant. I wait for them to call, for them to include me, for them to make the first move so to say.

I rarely call people on the phone. I always feel weird if I call for 'no' reason. I don't email for the same reason. I guess I don't know how to chit-chat. Then I worry that people will wonder why I called. Although, once a conversation starts, I can keep it going.

As time goes on, I think it would be okay to call, text, email someone. Then I think it would be odd if I started now, after several years of knowing each other. Why am I starting now? Would it seem odd for me to start saying hello by text? Would they think I was trying to be someone else? Would they see me as being pushy? Would they respond just in kind?

So the vicious cycle starts and stops and I stay limited in my contacts. I wait for people to seek my out, invite me, text me, talk to me.

I know how this all came about. I moved more times than can remember. Every time it was the same scenario. People would talk to you, size you up, put you in the social group you belonged, then some would stop talking to you. I learned to keep quiet and wait for the people who would be my friends to come along. Too much risk involved in putting myself out there.

Now, I am a grown woman. I have lived in the same place for almost 8 years (a record for me), worked in the same place for 4 years; yet these old feelings persist. Heck, I have internet friends I have known for these 8 years, and I am still just as nervous as ever.

I know some very wise women, so if you could share this secret with me, I would be most grateful. It is so scary to me that the things we learn as children and teens stay with us longer than any other lessons.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


I don't say much about my headaches anymore. Mainly because the daily pain is not as bad as it was a year ago. Although not officially diagnosed, I have Chronic daily Headache. The main symptom is a headache at least 3 days a week or something silly like that. At headache pain 7 days a week, I think it is safe to say I have CDH.

I work with a wonderful chiropractor who has me on several natural supplements. The combination seems to be working. Most days the pain is so minimal that I don't considerate it pain. Even better, headache pain is not the first thing I notice the minute I wake up these days. Nothing like waking up in pain to start the day on the 'right foot'.

You see the "But..." coming in this post, right.

However, not all days are great. Maybe it is the hormones, gotta love being female. Maybe it is the stress; and I am dealing with some stress at work right now. And there is very little I can do about it.

Whichever, this is not a good week. The pain has been just below the level at which I will complain (and that is about a 5 on my pain scale). It has flirted with me each morning; "does it hurt or not?" Tonight, it reared its ugly head. Moving up the scale to about a 7.

I will go to bed and as the world around me calms and quiets the throbbing in my head will increase, or least my awareness of it will increase. I will lay there, wishing away the pain, yet the pain will keep me up. Staying awake until I fall asleep is not an option as I have to work tomorrow. Eventually, sleep will win.

Then I will wake up, the first thought will be "My head hurts." The throbbing will still be there, as if I can feel each beat of my heart. The only relief from the pain is sleep and sleeping all the time just isn't possible. I will lay there, hoping it goes away. Then the inevitable will occur, I will get up. I will shower and dress for work. I will go in and smile and do the best I can do.

If I am lucky the pain will ease off. If not, it will intensify, and that could lead to crying. I hate crying for no good reason. I hate crying when my head just won't stop hurting, it is almost like my eyes have to release some tension and crying is how they do it. I still hate it. I hate telling people my head hurts and they just nod like they know what I mean. I don't talk about my head issues with most people. I don't want it to rule my life. But every once in a while I need to bitch, I need to be heard, I need some sympathy.

Not many people read my blog, so the sympathy thing won't be much. It just feels good to bitch, to complain, to whine, to be a baby, and to just let it all out.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Disney World

I got annual passes for Amelia & I again, and with the promotion, they don't expire until April 2011. YAY!!! I went to Epcot on Saturday with my friends. The were 5 children, ages 7 and under. Amelia had a friend visiting and did not go.

We rode 3 things and walked around the World. lol Stopping to enjoy a funnel cake in America and Grand Marnier orange slush in France. Both are yummy!

As I walked around, not really stopping at anything specific, I wondered why I love Disney World. And I can't think of a reason. I live 2 hours away, I can go for a day, a weekend, or a long stay. There is no pressure to 'see and do everything' when I visit.

Maybe that is what I enjoy. It is a fun place to visit, I enjoy the rides, I don't have to rush when I go. I can look at the details in the buildings, landscape, etc... But most of all, I loved being there with my friends, that is probably what makes it the most fun.

I am trying to plan a quick trip in April. :)

Sunday, January 3, 2010

New Focus... Change

I started this blog as a way for family to keep up with what's new in our lives, as everyone is so far away. That didn't seem to be happening, so I quit blogging.

2010 has arrived and most people are making their resolutions. I spent the last part of 2009 finding my word for 2010. I thought about what I wanted to make better in my life, there were many things. I am still striving to stay in touch with family more, I am still struggling with my weight and lack of exercise, I want to pursue my creative outlets more, and a few other goals I am not ready to vocalize.

I thought of redoing the word 'accomplish' but these are not goals that will ever end. These are things in my life that I want to be different forever.

I thought about the word 'commit', but I can't get the commercials for the stop smoking gum out of my head.

I tossed a few other words around and slept on the idea. I woke with the word 'Change' in my head. I knew it was the right word, the right idea, the right path for me to follow this year.

This blog will be a change as well. I will post whatever I want. If people want to read it, fine. If not, fine. This is for me, a place to put my random thoughts, a place to ramble, a place to judt be. This is my journey.